My Journey to healing
My story
I grew up in the Midwest in a loving Christian family, as the second oldest of four girls. My dad was a log home builder and my mom was a teacher and stayed home with us. I felt very loved growing up. Despite frequent moves, home was never a place, but where my family was. I can remember laughter, playing outside barefoot in the yard, nightly dinner chats over a home-cooked meal, firm Christian-centered discipline, church on Wednesday and Sunday, and the desire to please and be chosen by my parents daily. I remember my mom was always busy cleaning, cooking, and trying her best to make sure we all had what we needed. I also remember my dad needing a lot of her time and she wanted him to be happy. There were sometimes fights, a push-pull dynamic that I thought meant love. I didn’t realize then how my pattern to be chosen as a child would affect my relationships as an adult.
As I grew up, I often felt like I was lost in the mix of four kids, trying to stand out and be seen. I tried my best to figure out who I was and what I needed, but the pattern was so engrained in me. I was the people-pleaser with my parents, friends, church, and in school. I really struggled with my self-worth. That feeling of wanting to be chosen was always there and I just wanted someone to choose me and tell me how worthy I was of their love.
Will anyone ever choose me?
My senior year of high school I received a scholarship to an art college and decided to pursue a degree in Illustration. In my Sophomore year of college, things took a dark turn when I was raped by my boyfriend, as a virgin. As you can imagine, this was devastating, and I was terrified to face my parents, worried they would see me as a ‘bad girl.’ They didn’t, but the belief was there. I wasn’t worthy of love. This limiting belief would continue rule all of my choices for the next twenty years.
Rightfully so, no man felt safe, until an acquaintance from high school reached out to me and started calling me weekly. We had similar backgrounds, being raised in the church, and became friends, and I felt like I could be myself with him. Six months later, we were engaged and planning our wedding. I was 22, and didn’t know who I was or what I needed in a partner, but I was finally being chosen. That’s all we need, right?
The first few years married were lonely and a wake up call. I really yearned for connection with my husband, who didn’t seem to need me, but my vows and my desire to be a mother fueled me to stay in my marriage and to keep trying. I had three beautiful boys and found fulfillment as a mother, and also felt a huge disconnect with my partner and more importantly, myself. I was so lonely, I never listened to my heart or asked for anything I needed, and my kids were my purpose for living.
About six months after my third son was born, I was extremely unhappy in my marriage. It didn’t feel like I had a partner and I had this deep desire for connection and to feel seen. We fought often and I was beginning to shut down emotionally. During that same time I also began losing my sense of smell, and was about to have sinus surgery when my ENT suggested I try a steroid. After taking the steroid three times, my mouth went numb and I lost my sense of taste completely. A few days later, the numbness turned into electric pain throughout my entire body, and each day brought a new terrifying symptom. The torture and changing symptoms continued for six months. It was scary, and no one could help me. I remember coming down the stairs early in the morning, thinking I was having a heart attack, and my husband just left for work. He didn’t believe I was sick and I was left to figure it out alone. EMT showed up wanting to take me in the ambulance and I told them I’d take myself instead. I didn’t feel emotionally supported.
Six months after my first ‘attack,’ the symptoms subsided. It felt like witnessing the aftermath of a tornado: everything was different, but some parts could be rebuilt, and I was just grateful to be out of suffering. I had given me a second chance, and I was determined to live life to the fullest. I had no idea what caused it, but I resolved to move forward with purpose.
I started my photography business and, despite struggling physically, enjoyed the freedom and creative outlet it provided. My husband didn’t like this newfound freedom and sense of self I had. Our marriage was falling apart. This amazing high of building my business and self was short-lived. In the fall of 2015, I completely lost all of my energy and crashed physically. Everything became incredibly difficult, and I was forced to stop working.
I did everything I could to stay above whatever was trying to take me down, but as the weeks went by, I got steadily worse. I became unable to walk and felt extremely disconnected from reality. I was dying.
My mother came to see me and didn’t realize how bad I had gotten. Every day she tried to help me, and every second I felt suicidal. My kids would leave me precious notes and drawings above my head on the wall, and I tried my best to stay in the game for them.
As I continued to deteriorate, my mother did her best to find answers and discovered I was dealing with late-stage neuro Lyme disease. I finally knew what was trying to kill me, but I had a long, scary road ahead. I was put on three antibiotics, and every minute felt like an eternity. I wanted to leave this world.
Six weeks later, I was out of hell and back to rebuilding my body again, but still a shell of who I was, always in a fog. Over the next few years, I tried everything to heal, from stinging myself with bees to herbals to stem cells, which caused mast cell activation syndrome.
I became allergic to everything. I had to wear a mask everywhere I went and be cautious of the water I drank, the chemicals I was exposed to, mold, stores—everything. At one point, I was down to eating only chicken and thought I was going to die for sure. My brain was in a constant state of fight-or-flight.
I educated myself about everything related to mast cells, Lyme, and mold. I found a doctor who could provide medications to help stabilize me. Unfortunately, they didn’t help much. Then I heard about a friend who was trying brain retraining for healing the nervous system.
It seemed strange to me because all my previous methods had been hardcore killing protocols, but at this point, it was worth a shot. To my surprise, it worked. I was back to walking down the detergent aisle within two weeks and eating pizza in six weeks! This experience made me realize how powerful the brain is and that I could heal myself with brain retraining methods.
I was moving forward and healing when COVID-19 hit. About a month into isolation, while watching a friend's funeral online, my brain went back into fight-or-flight mode. I became reactive to everything again and developed TMD (TMJ) as a result of the stress. I couldn’t wear a mouth splint, so I couldn't talk, and I was always in severe pain and dizzy. Every night was terrifying, and I was a mess. My husband and I separated, and every time he was on the property, or if I heard his voice or saw him, I would clench and get extremely dizzy. Every interaction made me worse, so we stayed separated. It was hard on both of us and our kids, but I realized how much my brain was reactive to our toxic relationship and lack of healthy communication.
As a certified Relationship and Empowerment Coach, I can now say I am the happiest I’ve ever been, not from the title, but from doing the work and taking action. I love who I am and I know what I need feel safe, seen, and heard, and I’m not afraid to speak up. I now can look back at my childhood with so many fond memories with my parents, and see some really tough lessons mixed in. I’ve learned about my own needs and worth and want to help others see where their childhood patterns are getting in their way of being the best version of themselves.
I think back to what both of my parents have told me they lacked in their childhoods. My dad was abandoned by his father at the age of 7 and always wanted a partner to never leave him. And my mom saw her dad despise his job which mad him unhappy at times. My mom was trying to heal her dad through my dad’s pain. That’s we do, right? It’s all patterns we see growing up. I’m sure I’ve been trying to heal my parents’ pain subconsciously through my relationships as well. This is the part where we can choose to heal those wounds within ourselves and show up fully for ourselves and in our relationships. Time to choose YOU!
On the subject of choosing yourself, my dad ended up going back to school to be a therapist at the age of 40. I was always proud of him for accomplishing his dream of wanting to help others and providing a safe space for them to share their journey. My dad passed away two months before I graduated as a coach and I love that we shared the desire to help other’s find healing. I’m so grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from him and my mom through the love they shared.
As your coach, I will be a safe space for you, and I will also challenge you to show up better for yourself and in your relationships. Please know I will honor your journey with the experiences and knowledge I have learned throughout my life and with my coaching experience. Thanks for trusting me on your journey and I look forward to walking this journey to self-love with you.
You are worthy. You are resilient. And your next chapter is calling.
It took everything in me to find tools to help calm my limbic system. One of the most powerful tools was Faster EFT. I worked with several practitioners, and little by little, we tackled my traumas and limiting beliefs, one by one. It was like opening Pandora’s box—extremely painful at first—but then I started seeing my body respond. I became less reactive to my mouth splint and could wear it. I could talk to my husband without fear, voice my needs, and felt empowered for the first time in my life. It was like shedding the baggage I had carried my entire life, and I saw myself for the first time. It was amazing, and I wanted everyone to know about it.
I was honest with my husband and told him I needed to leave the marriage to be myself. We finalized our divorce in 2021. It was the hardest move I’ve ever made, but I knew it was best and I wanted to continue to show up for myself and for my kids.
My kids saw me as a healthy person for the first time, both emotionally and physically. I changed over 250 memories and limiting beliefs and can honestly say my life is very different now. I crave personal growth and understand how important my relationship with myself is so I can show up better for others.
In 2022, I was listening to a Mark Groves podcast where he interviewed Jayson Gaddis, founder of The Relationship School. I knew that was my calling. I wanted to be a coach, helping others be true to themselves, and teaching them to be good communicators and listeners. I took the jump and graduated in May of 2024 as a certified Relationship Coach.
